Comigo acontece assim

É sempre muito repentino.
Eu nunca sei ao certo qnd vai acontecer.
No momento, sinto aquela coisa nova
Subindo, subindo, vindo lá de dentro.
E chega rápido, muito rápido.
Meu coração bate acelerado
Um aperto forte no peito.
Eu fecho os olhos
Mas meu sono vai embora.
Minhas bochechas vermelhas
Meu corpo sensivelmente quente
Mas minhas mãos geladas.
A boca fora de controle
Sempre com os dentes travados
E o grito fica preso na garganta.
Os ouvidos já não funcionam mais.
As mãos têm vontade própria
E querem apertar, com força.
As pernas tremem, sem controle.


Não é com todo mundo, não.
E não é sempre.
Mas alguns conseguem isso com extrema facilidade.

Vem o cansaço.

Meu corpo volta ao normal.
Eu me reconheço novamente.
E me prometo que nunca mais
vou deixar ninguém me fazer tanta raiva assim.

.
.


[Inspirada, no formato, por Ju Wolfenson e, no
conteúdo, por pessoas que não merecem ser citadas]


Rafa

Quem mais se garante se garante menos do que ela!

Todo mundo sabe que eu sou fã da internet. Massss... esses dias, tive uma recompensa perfeita pra todas as horas surfando, lendo, baixando coisas.

O blog dessa pessoa a quem me refiro no título desse post (link pra ele, por sinal), Ju Wolfenson, é, simplesmente, fantástico. Ela tem o dom, escreve muuuito bem. Meu primeiro comentário lá foi que, se eu tivesse uma editora, ela já estaria com o livro dela na mão!

Eis que pedi autorização pra postar esses que foram talvez as MELHORES coisas que li esse ano [e olhe que já vou no 3o livro]!

Então, leiam e se encantem. E não deixem de olhar o blog to-do, tão bom quanto os textos que eu escolhi!


By Ju Wolfenson:


O primeiro...

Resolveu experimentar o que muitos já haviam descrito como indescritível. Entregou-se ao momento. Tampou a respiração, fechou os olhos com força e sentiu a pressão tomar conta de todo seu corpo quando ia mais para baixo. Os braços e as pernas mexiam-se numa sincronia inacreditável. O que se via no rosto era uma felicidade estampada, gritada, molhada. O coração excitado bateu disparado, achou que nem fosse resistir à tão intensa emoção. Abriu os olhos com dificuldade, tentou enxergar por entre a imagem embaçada que se fazia e sorriu largo quando viu as cores, vivas. O gosto salgado em sua boca jamais seria esquecido. Era gosto de mar.


Instinto

Foi daqueles de revirar os olhos, sabe? Ai. Perdeu os sentidos. O corpo inteirinho tremia. Uma sensação inesquecível só de lembrar a força que a segurava, olhando assustado, com cara de indefeso e olhos de quem não sabia como agir, completamente entregue às emoções do momento. Era a primeira dele. Ela, tomada pelos movimentos involuntários do corpo, não conseguia nem dizer que estava certo, que era daquele jeitinho mesmo que era para fazer todas as vezes que tivesse um ataque epilético.


---

Fantástico, né? =)

Rafa

Stand-up comedy III

[Jerry Seinfeld, live on Broadway]

People

- It is amazing what people will believe.
I watch these infomercials late at night and if it gets late enough the products start to look good to me.
I have actually found myself sitting there thinking:
"I don't think I have a knife that can cut through a shoe... I don't think any of my knives are good enough to cut through shoes! I'm gonna get this knife and cut my shoes off. That seems pretty good."
I think the dumbest thing you can do late at night is to think:
"I'm gonna get this thing and get in shape."
It's 3 in the morning, you got potato chip crumbs all over your shirt, you got one eye open, one sock hanging off your foot.
"I'm gonna start working out with this thing. I'm gonna order this thing. This is all I need to get in shape. This is a fantastic device."
Rip-off.
We can't stop getting ripped-off. We're gonna get ripped off.
We think we're not, we think we're very clever, we think we're gonna foil the crooks.
We go to the beach, go in the water, put your wallet in your sneaker, who's gonna know? What criminal mind could penetrate this fortress of security?
"I put it down by the toe. They never look there. They check the heels, they move on."
When you have a TV set in the back of your car and you gotta leave the car in the street for a few minutes so you put a sweater over the TV.
"It's a couple of sweaters, that's all. One of them is square with an antenna coming out of it."

--

"Been there, done that", huh?

Rafa

Stand-up comedy II

[Jerry Seinfeld, live on Broadway]

Sports

- I was in London about a month ago, the World Cup was going on. I enjoy any sporting event where nations get involved. I find that the most exciting.
The Olympics is really my favorite sporting event, although I think I have a problem with that silver medal. I think, if I was an Olympic athlete, I would rather come in last then win the silver. If you think about it... You win the gold, you feel good. You win the bronze, you think: "Well, at least I got something." But you win the silver and it's like:
"Congratulations! You... ALMOST won. Of all the LOSERS, you came in first of that group. You're the number one LOSER. No one LOST... ahead of you."
And they don't lose by much in these short races. It's always three hundredths of a second, two hundredths of a second. The guy's gotta be thinking:
"If I had a pimple, I would have won!"

I consider myself something of a sportsman. I like sporty-type things.
Scooba-diving, I did that in Australia. That was a lot of fun. A great activity where your main goal is to NOT die. [...]
I've gone hand gliding, I've gone skydiving, I like a little bit of risk.
I don't know, maybe that's why I do this. I saw a thing, actually a study, on the Discovery Channel that said that speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. I found that amazing. Number TWO was death.
Death was number TWO??? This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than the guy doing the eulogy.

Skydiving was definitely the scariest thing I've ever done.
Let me ask you this question in regards to the skydiving: what is the point of the helmet in the skydiving? Can you kinda make it?
You jump out of that plane and that chute doesn't open, the helmet is now wearing YOU for protection.
Later on, the helmet's talking with the other helmets:
"It's a good thing he was there or I would have hit the ground directly. You never jump out of a plane unless you got a human being strapped underneath you, that's basic safety."

There are many things we can point to as proof that the human being is not smart.
The helmet is my personal favorite.
The fact that we had to invent the helmet...
Why did we invent the helmet? Well, because we were participating in many activities that were cracking our heads. We looked at the situation, we chose not to avoid these activities, but to just make little plastic hats so that we could continue our head-cracking lifestyles.
The only thing dumber than the helmet is the helmet law, the point of which is to protect a brain that is functioning so poorly that it's not even trying to stop the cracking of the head that it's in.

--

My favorite sport/high-risk activity is teaching chatty teenagers.
What's yours?

Rafa

Stand-up comedy I

[Jerry Seinfeld, live on Broadway]

Men and Women

- I know I will not understand women. I know I will never be able to understand how a woman can take boiling hot wax pour it on her upper thigh and rip the hair out by the root... and still be afraid of a spider. I'm not spending anymore time working on that.
And I know women don't understand men. I know there are women looking at me right now going:
"I wonder what goes on in that little brain of his... I bet you I could manipulate that brain."
I bet you you could.
I bet you women would like to know what men are really thinking... the truth, the honest truth. You wanna know what men are really thinking? 'Cause I could tell you. Would you like to know? Alright, I'll tell you: Nothing. We're not thinking anything. We're just walking around, looking around. This is the only natural inclination of men. To just kinda check stuff out. We work because they force us to, but other than that, this is the really only thing we wanna do.
We like women, we want women. But that's pretty much as far as we've thought. That's why we're honking car horns, yelling from construction sites... These are the best ideas we've had so far.

Why do men behave in these ways? Why are we rude, obnoxious, getting drunk, falling down, peeling rubber, making kissing noises out the window? Why are we like this?
I know what you ladies are thinking:
"No, no, not my guy. I'm working with him, he's coming along."
No, he's not. He's not coming anywhere. We, men, know no matter how poorly we behave, it seems we will somehow end up with women anyway. Look around this room. Look at all the men you see with lovely women. Do you think these are special men? Gifted men? One of a kind men? They're the same jerks and idiots that I'm talking about. They're doing just fine.

Men, as an organization, are getting more women than any other group working anywhere in the world today. Wherever women are we have men looking into the situation right now. We explored the Earth looking for women. Even went to the moon, just to see if there were any women there. That's why we brought that little car. Why would you bring a car, unless there's some chance of going on a date?
What the hell were they doing with a car on the goddamn moon? You're on the Moon already! Isn't that far enough? There is no more male idea in the history of the universe than:
"why don't we fly up to the Moon and drive around?" That is the essence of male thinking right there.

All men kinda think of themselves as low-level super-heroes, in their own world. I'm not even supposed to be telling you this. But when men are growing up and they're reading about Batman, Spiderman, Superman... these aren't fantasies, these are options. This is the deep inner secret truth of the male mind.
I'll give you a perfect example of what I'm talking about. Did you ever see a guy, out on the highway, moving a mattress tied to the roof of the car? Without fail, he's got the arm out the window holding the mattress. This is a classic male-idiot super-hero thinking. This moron believes that if the wind catches this huge rectangle at 70 miles an hour... "I got it! I got it! Don't worry about it. I'm using my arm!".

But I'm sure there're many dates going on in this room right now... Dating is not easy, what is a date really but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference between a date and a job interview is that not many job interviews there's a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it.
"Well, Bill, the boss thinks you're the man for the position, why don't you strip down and meet some of the people you'll be working with?"
Sex doesn't make anything any easier. It only makes it more complicated. Women have two types of orgasms: the actual ones and the ones that they make up on their own. And I can give you the male point of view on this which is: we're fine with it. You do whatever the hell it is you gotta do.
To a man, sex is like a car accident anyway. And determining a female orgasm is like being asked:
"What did you see after the car went out of control?"
"Well, I remember I heard a lot of screeching noises, I was facing the wrong way at one point, but in the end my body was thrown clear."

--

Gotta love this man though!

Rafa