Stand-up comedy I

[Jerry Seinfeld, live on Broadway]

Men and Women

- I know I will not understand women. I know I will never be able to understand how a woman can take boiling hot wax pour it on her upper thigh and rip the hair out by the root... and still be afraid of a spider. I'm not spending anymore time working on that.
And I know women don't understand men. I know there are women looking at me right now going:
"I wonder what goes on in that little brain of his... I bet you I could manipulate that brain."
I bet you you could.
I bet you women would like to know what men are really thinking... the truth, the honest truth. You wanna know what men are really thinking? 'Cause I could tell you. Would you like to know? Alright, I'll tell you: Nothing. We're not thinking anything. We're just walking around, looking around. This is the only natural inclination of men. To just kinda check stuff out. We work because they force us to, but other than that, this is the really only thing we wanna do.
We like women, we want women. But that's pretty much as far as we've thought. That's why we're honking car horns, yelling from construction sites... These are the best ideas we've had so far.

Why do men behave in these ways? Why are we rude, obnoxious, getting drunk, falling down, peeling rubber, making kissing noises out the window? Why are we like this?
I know what you ladies are thinking:
"No, no, not my guy. I'm working with him, he's coming along."
No, he's not. He's not coming anywhere. We, men, know no matter how poorly we behave, it seems we will somehow end up with women anyway. Look around this room. Look at all the men you see with lovely women. Do you think these are special men? Gifted men? One of a kind men? They're the same jerks and idiots that I'm talking about. They're doing just fine.

Men, as an organization, are getting more women than any other group working anywhere in the world today. Wherever women are we have men looking into the situation right now. We explored the Earth looking for women. Even went to the moon, just to see if there were any women there. That's why we brought that little car. Why would you bring a car, unless there's some chance of going on a date?
What the hell were they doing with a car on the goddamn moon? You're on the Moon already! Isn't that far enough? There is no more male idea in the history of the universe than:
"why don't we fly up to the Moon and drive around?" That is the essence of male thinking right there.

All men kinda think of themselves as low-level super-heroes, in their own world. I'm not even supposed to be telling you this. But when men are growing up and they're reading about Batman, Spiderman, Superman... these aren't fantasies, these are options. This is the deep inner secret truth of the male mind.
I'll give you a perfect example of what I'm talking about. Did you ever see a guy, out on the highway, moving a mattress tied to the roof of the car? Without fail, he's got the arm out the window holding the mattress. This is a classic male-idiot super-hero thinking. This moron believes that if the wind catches this huge rectangle at 70 miles an hour... "I got it! I got it! Don't worry about it. I'm using my arm!".

But I'm sure there're many dates going on in this room right now... Dating is not easy, what is a date really but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference between a date and a job interview is that not many job interviews there's a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it.
"Well, Bill, the boss thinks you're the man for the position, why don't you strip down and meet some of the people you'll be working with?"
Sex doesn't make anything any easier. It only makes it more complicated. Women have two types of orgasms: the actual ones and the ones that they make up on their own. And I can give you the male point of view on this which is: we're fine with it. You do whatever the hell it is you gotta do.
To a man, sex is like a car accident anyway. And determining a female orgasm is like being asked:
"What did you see after the car went out of control?"
"Well, I remember I heard a lot of screeching noises, I was facing the wrong way at one point, but in the end my body was thrown clear."

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Gotta love this man though!

Rafa